What's Best for You

There’s a scripture in the Bible, and I’m paraphrasing here, that reads: my foot almost slipped looking at the prosperity of the wicked. Now, what’s to follow is only anecdotally wicked. In the evil place that is Twitter, I came across a tweet--and again I’m paraphrasing--that said: I just published my 15th piece this year with two children under 4 with no babysitter. Ok, maybe I’m not paraphrasing. And social media really is a vicious place. 

When I read that though, my foot almost slipped. My blood ran hot. I (almost) fell into the comparison trap. The one that said: you fulltime mother of 3 who works a fulltime job, are not doing enough. What do you mean you can’t… But God. Just as I’d worked up enough angst to send me spiraling, my one-hour social media notification popped up. Interrupting my insatiable desire for loathing. Great. I’d already had enough. 

But the game of 21 questions played hide-and-seek with me. For every question I hid, told myself it wasn’t important what the answer was, another one popped up. I had to know how she managed this not-so-small feat. I wondered: was she a terrible mom during the day from a lack of sleep? Did she feel obligated to engage her children all day? Did they interrupt her even if she didn’t? Is this her day-job done at night? What’s her mental health like? Has she mastered the art of radical acceptance? I have not. 

Tonesha, girl. You don’t know her life.

And even if I did, it’s not mine.

To everything there is a season. A time for every purpose under heaven. 

For all my striving, I know that my desires will manifest in their right time. I must do what is best for me. Yes, I have to put in work; yes, I have to study and practice my craft. But my fruit will only produce when it is time. I cannot speed up the process--the learning, growing, conditioning that occurs while I feel wholly trapped underground, is necessary. If nothing else, it’s fodder for the course.

Because with every free moment I have, there’s always that little voice in my head, chiding: You should be writing. No matter if I’ve showered or had something to eat.

Our culture would have us to always push through. That’s up to you. My goal is simple: to just be; to envision a new way of being and doing that is not so much focused on who I am in relation to my productivity.